Sometimes I just don't understand the human brain and people's emotions. Do all people have emotions or is it possible for someone to be emotionless? This is a question I find myself asking more and more. I'm trying to analyze my recent choices and understand all that I can about myself. This I am finding very difficult. Who knew a journey to find the real me could be so fucking hard!
Sometimes I really sit back and look at my life in the whole and I hate myself, I really do. Maybe just maybe I am on this mission to find me and maybe it's a waste of time maybe this is the real me, maybe I am already found.
I've fucked up my life in more ways then I would like to admit.
Do they have a website out there on how to grow a fucking back bone, because honestly I think I need to read that.
Have you ever felt that every choice your making is wrong and this whole plan you had for life went flying out the closest open window? If not, your lucky it's not fun at all.
I just feel like every time I let someone in, somehow they come back to smack me in my face about it. My face is really starting to hurt.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Monday, December 17, 2007
Well I did it again...
Once again I promised to keep this current and once again I forgot.....sorry.
Anyway quick update then on to the real stuff. I'm going to be taking some time off school which to be honest has me a bit upset, but it's not a choice. Since I am moving to PA in March I will not be able to continue at Warren County and Austin's new school will be half day so this will make everything a bit impossible.
So onto the other crap.
So I was on this whole finding myself kick and somehow got lost along the way. Went right back to all the bullshit I tried to improve. Gave up on myself. I still am learning lessons about the person I am. I am way to kind and way to trusting and with the recent events that have happened in my life, I have learned a huge lesson. Do not trust people so easily because they will back stab you when you least expect it.
To become so close to someone they become like your family and you trust them with every bit of confidence and then magically one day they can crush your entire world and not have one bit of remorse, hurts. So why do people have friends and trust people? Is it me do I draw piece of shit people into my life? Do I have this sign hanging around my neck that I am unaware of that says: Hey I'm a trusting person take advantage of me?
The sad part is it happened with not one but two people who I trusted, at the same time. I feel empty inside. I feel very angry and hurt. The anger is not going away like I hoped it would, it's becoming much worse. Everyday I struggle just to wake up because I don't want to face what lies ahead of me.
I need to shake this crap and keep going, but this time I am finding it so hard.
I wish I knew how to regroup myself and move forward.
Anyway quick update then on to the real stuff. I'm going to be taking some time off school which to be honest has me a bit upset, but it's not a choice. Since I am moving to PA in March I will not be able to continue at Warren County and Austin's new school will be half day so this will make everything a bit impossible.
So onto the other crap.
So I was on this whole finding myself kick and somehow got lost along the way. Went right back to all the bullshit I tried to improve. Gave up on myself. I still am learning lessons about the person I am. I am way to kind and way to trusting and with the recent events that have happened in my life, I have learned a huge lesson. Do not trust people so easily because they will back stab you when you least expect it.
To become so close to someone they become like your family and you trust them with every bit of confidence and then magically one day they can crush your entire world and not have one bit of remorse, hurts. So why do people have friends and trust people? Is it me do I draw piece of shit people into my life? Do I have this sign hanging around my neck that I am unaware of that says: Hey I'm a trusting person take advantage of me?
The sad part is it happened with not one but two people who I trusted, at the same time. I feel empty inside. I feel very angry and hurt. The anger is not going away like I hoped it would, it's becoming much worse. Everyday I struggle just to wake up because I don't want to face what lies ahead of me.
I need to shake this crap and keep going, but this time I am finding it so hard.
I wish I knew how to regroup myself and move forward.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Wisdom...
I've realized through my journey to find who I am, that I actually really have grown and matured in my way of thinking. I look at things in a new way, a good way. I take things with ease, because worrying does nothing for you. I except everyone for who they are, I'm not the one to judge them. Every person you meet has a form of lesson for you to learn. There should never be a conversation you walk away from without learning something from it. My mind is eager to learn the things I do not know yet. Everyday I look at like a lesson in life weather it be good or bad. It makes the day a whole lot less boring.
There is so much I want to do with my life and will do. I will make an impact in a positive way for my children. That is the best gift ever.
There is so much I want to do with my life and will do. I will make an impact in a positive way for my children. That is the best gift ever.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Long time no check in?
As most of you know my step Dad is in the hospital. He's doing much better.
I've taken on a new responsibility of keeping all the paper work and bills for his business in order while he laid up. School will be starting again soon, so things will be getting a bit more hectic and I don't think I like that.
That is one thing I have yet to teach myself how to be organized. I don't know why I lack that ability so much. Something about it just does not click with me.
I always feel like I am forgetting to do something or I have a million things to do. Am I the only one who feels this way?
Take this blog as an example, I start one and promise myself to keep it up to date, but lord I find that so hard to do. My life is just that uneventful.
So from here on out, I will try to regularly update once again. Enjoy!
I've taken on a new responsibility of keeping all the paper work and bills for his business in order while he laid up. School will be starting again soon, so things will be getting a bit more hectic and I don't think I like that.
That is one thing I have yet to teach myself how to be organized. I don't know why I lack that ability so much. Something about it just does not click with me.
I always feel like I am forgetting to do something or I have a million things to do. Am I the only one who feels this way?
Take this blog as an example, I start one and promise myself to keep it up to date, but lord I find that so hard to do. My life is just that uneventful.
So from here on out, I will try to regularly update once again. Enjoy!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Austin and Paige...
Paige
Hayley
Austin
Austin & Hayley
Austin & PaigeAustin and Paige met their half sister Hayley on Monday. It went well, and boy has she grown up since I last saw her. I Hope you enjoyed the pictures.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
A Lesson...
A Lesson in Life
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, if they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
If someone hurts you, betrays you , or breaks you heart, forgive them. For they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to who you open your heart to.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either.
You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it.
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, if they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
If someone hurts you, betrays you , or breaks you heart, forgive them. For they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to who you open your heart to.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either.
You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it.
Be Your Own...
I found this and a few other things I liked. So I thought I would share. More to come.
There comes a time when you must stand alone.You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.You must be willing to make sacrifices.You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.
There comes a time when you must stand alone.You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.You must be willing to make sacrifices.You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
A Few Things...
A few things I have learned from Austin and Paige.......
1. Toilet water attracts 1 and half year olds, which in turn attracts their older sibling.
2. Dish washing fluid on your kitchen floor, will require at least 5 mops in order to not slip
3. A child's scream can and will bring on an instant headache.
4. Crayons and markers will come off the walls with the magic eraser but so will your paint.
5. A new movie should be played 30 times in a row, until a 4 year old is satisfied.
6. Puddles attract new white sneakers.
7. The toy a child plays with will always be more appealing to the sibling, and will result in cries and fights.
8. The word NO is not comprehensible unless the child is saying it to you.
9. Something expensive you buy for yourself, will be touched by a child within 3.5 seconds of them seeing it.
10. Poop is not a good finger paint to use.
11. Your children will always make you look like a liar to strangers when it comes to a certain behavior.
12. A child always poop's right after a diaper change.
13. Hugs and Kisses are always sincere
14. The first time your child tells you they love, it will bring tears.
15. Watching your child get vaccinations will bring tears to your eyes.
Please feel free to share things that you learned from your kids/spouses/siblings.
1. Toilet water attracts 1 and half year olds, which in turn attracts their older sibling.
2. Dish washing fluid on your kitchen floor, will require at least 5 mops in order to not slip
3. A child's scream can and will bring on an instant headache.
4. Crayons and markers will come off the walls with the magic eraser but so will your paint.
5. A new movie should be played 30 times in a row, until a 4 year old is satisfied.
6. Puddles attract new white sneakers.
7. The toy a child plays with will always be more appealing to the sibling, and will result in cries and fights.
8. The word NO is not comprehensible unless the child is saying it to you.
9. Something expensive you buy for yourself, will be touched by a child within 3.5 seconds of them seeing it.
10. Poop is not a good finger paint to use.
11. Your children will always make you look like a liar to strangers when it comes to a certain behavior.
12. A child always poop's right after a diaper change.
13. Hugs and Kisses are always sincere
14. The first time your child tells you they love, it will bring tears.
15. Watching your child get vaccinations will bring tears to your eyes.
Please feel free to share things that you learned from your kids/spouses/siblings.
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